phasing_cat | From Twitter 03-23-2010

@CoEdClaire Lunch at Starbucks is exactly what I need. I take my vanilla latte and sandwich to a corner table. Maybe reading will keep -
@CoEdClaire my mind occupied.
@CoEdClaire I'm not sure what prompts me to look up from my book, maybe it was the scent of something familiar, or just fate telling me -
@CoEdClaire to lift my gaze, but the moment I do, I see her. Just as I catch sight of her, she sees me too. Our eyes lock, and I focus -
@CoEdClaire on making sure my face is completely expressionless.
@stillgraylikeme It's okay... I could use a hug, though, if you've got one to spare.
@stillgraylikeme *hugs back, eyes closed* I... I don't know if I'm going to stay in the #CoC
#nowplaying Matthew Sweet - Divine Intervention
@stillgraylikeme Claire and I... we broke up. And now it will just be awkward and I don't want to ruin things for the other girls.
@CoEdClaire Thank god I haven't been crying, so I know I look okay. I haven't shed a single tear over her, a fact I find odd, but I'm -
@CoEdClaire still proud of. She's a few tables away, and I see her mouth my name. I refuse to get up, I will never go to her again. -
@CoEdClaire I simply nod in her direction and whisper her name softly. "Claire."
RT @Sunfell: What he said: http://nyti.ms/dwf438
#nowplaying Maroon 5 - Not Falling Apart
@stillgraylikeme *is it getting hot in here?* I don't know if I can see her. I... I still love her. *why can't I breathe?*
@stillgraylikeme *nods* Right, time away. That's a good idea. Spring break is next week... I should go away, take a trip.
@CoEdClaire She's close enough that I can smell her now even over the coffee, and my resolve wavers for a split second. I take a deep -
@CoEdClaire breath to steady myself. "I'm fine. You?"
@CoEdClaire I stare at my cup, determined not to watch the way her mouth moves when she drinks. Suddenly it's getting hard to breathe -
@CoEdClaire I feel like there's a vice around my chest. I've never felt this way before. "It's school. Reading The Bell Jar. You?"
@stillgraylikeme Maybe I'll try something I've never done before... like rock climbing, or jet skiing.
@CoEdClaire Her hand is on the table, and I have to tighten my fingers around my cup to keep from reaching for it. I can't stand this, -
@CoEdClaire it's not fair for her to be so close yet I can't have her. "You should get started, I've heard that it's pretty long."
@CoEdClaire "No, you stay, I have to get back to class." The handle snaps off my mug and I stare at it in my hand for a moment. I didn't -
@CoEdClaire even realize I was strong enough to do that. I stand, shoving my book in my backpack and leave the broken cup on the table. -
@CoEdClaire "It was good to see you." That's the first lie I've ever told her. I leave as fast as I can without looking like I'm running.
@CoEdClaire I hear her call my name but I can't stop, not here in the middle of the sidewalk. The vice is tightening, I'm gasping for -
@CoEdClaire breath until finally I have to stop, bending over with my hands on my knees. God, it feels like someone injected red matter -
@CoEdClaire into my heart, and now it's just a giant black hole that's going to suck me in.
@CoEdClaire I shrug my shoulder out from under her touch, leaning back against the brick wall. "Don't... I'm fine. Just... out of -
@CoEdClaire breath." No, not here, not in front of her. The numbness is wearing off, cracks spreading through the ice. I can't lose it -
@CoEdClaire here, please god.
@CoEdClaire I grit my teeth and look up at her. "Go away. I was fine until you showed up." I feel light headed, ducking into an alley -
@CoEdClaire before sinking to my knees. Just breathe, I tell myself. It feels like my lungs are on fire.
@ebrown2112 (Did you ever tell me how I can archive my tweets?)
@CoEdClaire "I... I feel like I'm dying." I choke out between gasps for air. For some reason this strikes me as funny, and I start -
@ebrown2112 laughing, looking at her ground in front of me. Tears start streaming down my face, and my laughs turn to sobs. So that's -
@CoEdClaire what this is, what I'm feeling. This is what it feels like when your heart dies.
@coedclaire looking at the ground in front of me. Tears start streaming down my face, and my laughs turn to sobs. So that's -
@CoEdClaire I push at her weakly. "Don't..." I can't fight what deep down I really want.
@CoEdClaire "Why do you care?" I don't even know if she can understand the words, I'm crying so hard. I wish I was anywhere else but here,-
@CoEdClaire and with anyone else but her. She shouldn't get to see how much it's killing me to be away from her.
@ebrown2112 (That is awesome!)
@CoEdClaire I sit back, leaning against the wall and pulling my knees up to my chest. "You can't help. You're the problem!"
@CoEdClaire "Claire... I'm trying so hard. To do the right thing, to be strong..." I want to touch her, to bury my face in her hair, to -
@CoEdClaire hold her close. "I had no idea anything could hurt as badly as when my father picked my mother over me."
@CoEdClaire I look at her, her face blurry through the tears in my eyes. "but you'll always love him more. I'll always be less than him."
@CoEdClaire I close my eyes at the touch. "But I'm still not enough. I wasn't for him, either. I should have been a better daughter, I -
@CoEdClaire have tried so hard to see what I could have done to make him pick me. What can I do, Claire, to make you pick me instead?"
@CoEdClaire "I don't understand... afraid of what? I would never hurt you." I slide my hand over until just our fingers are touching.
@CoEdClaire "Then be with me now, and him later! Who knows what will happen between us a year from now, let alone thirty! All I know is -
@CoEdClaire that now, right now, I love you so much that the thought of not being with you hurts. Actually, physically, hurts."
@CoEdClaire ((Time to head home. I'll bb in about an hour to continue this!))
@CoEdClaire Is she really saying... "So, if you hadn't... if it weren't for that damn ring... you would? You'd want to be with me?"
@CoEdClaire I can't stand to see her cry, even if I am crying too, and I brush a tear off her cheek with my thumb. "What did you promise -
@CoEdClaire him, exactly? What did you say you would do?"
@CoEdClaire I shake my head, I can't fight that, I can't argue with it. "I know I"m just a kid. I don't have money like he does, I can't -
@CoEdClaire take care of you like he can." I rest my elbows on my knees, holding my head in my hands. "I never had a chance."
@CoEdClaire "Maybe that's my problem. I'm too nice. I let you into my heart too easily. I should be mean to you, is that it? Then you'll-
@CoEdClaire pick me over him?" I chuckle bitterly, knowing that's not what she meant.
@CoEdClaire I found her too late. Just like my mom was there first for my dad, Adam was there first with Claire. I'll always be second -
@CoEdClaire best. "So what do we do? Because this... today... I felt like my heart was gone. Just gone, I couldn't feel anything."
@doctor_suresh No, not really, doc.
@doctor_suresh Claire and I broke up. *chin wibbles*
@CoEdClaire "This is an impossible situation! It hurts to be with you... and it hurts even worse NOT to be with you." I hold out my arms -
@CoEdClaire tentatively, wanting to hold her, and wanting her to hold me. But only if that's what she wants too.
@doctor_suresh *tries really hard not to cry* I love her so much. And she loves me. But... she's marrying Adam.
@doctor_suresh *pulls back* Why isn't that a good idea? What do you know about him?
@CoEdClaire I sob into her hair, squeezing her hard. "My conscience is. How do I turn it off?"
@doctor_suresh Tell me how you know. I can't let her marry someone dangerous!
@CoEdClaire I pull back a little and look her in the eye, all seriousness. "Is that why you're marrying him? Because you feel like you -
@CoEdClaire don't deserve me because I'm so good? You really think you deserve to be with a man who isn't that nice, as you just put it?"
@CoEdClaire I shake my head at her. "Being with you has already changed me. I didn't think I deserved to be so happy, or to be as loved, -
@CoEdClaire as I've felt with you." Tears stream down my cheeks again. "I can't go back now."
@doctor_suresh What was he trying to do???
@doctor_suresh That's... that's insane!
@Open_Flame ((Yes, you did!))
@CoEdClaire "You already do. You love me... you came after me. If you still want me... I still love you, I want to be with you."
@CoEdClaire She says it so softly, I wouldn't have heard it if her mouth wasn't so close to my ear. I pull back a sob and kiss her, -
@CoEdClaire like I've never kissed her before. I thought I'd never get to do this again.
@doctor_suresh I... it's a little late for that.
@CoEdClaire I finally understand the cliche... if this is wrong, why does it feel so right? I pull her tight to me, my hands gently -
@CoEdClaire caressing her back. "You're stuck with me. Think you handle that?"
@CoEdClaire I kiss her back, trailing soft kisses across her cheek and down her neck. "You realize we're in the middle of an alley?" I -
@CoEdClaire pull back and grin at her. "And I'm late for school again."
@CoEdClaire "Later?" I don't want to go, I feel like the thread tying us together is so fragile.
@CoEdClaire I nod, touching my forehead to hers. "I'll come over as soon as school is over."
@CoEdClaire I pick my backpack up off the ground and slowly walk away, going backwards as long as I can so that I can still see her. The -
@CoEdClaire next couple of hours are going to be torture.
@CoEdClaire I laugh and blow her a kiss, the turn around and run back to school. I'm in so much trouble, but it was worth it.
@ebrown2112 hi
@ebrown2112 Great, now that song's gonna be in my head...
((Was thinking about drabbling... but Lost is almost on!))
@ebrown2112 I'm better now. We made up.
@ebrown2112 I had a complete breakdown... it was embarrassing
@ebrown2112 I guess time will tell if it's a good thing. It was just too hard to be apart.
@ebrown2112 I guess I was just in denial. Trying to push down my feelings, pretend they weren't there.
@ebrown2112 It is. I didn't realize until I started talking to Claire how much the situation reminded me of my parents.
@SullivanShadow @Open_Flame @CoEdClaire @electricvixen Ok, somebody get me up to speed. We're doing what to who?
@CoEdClaire @electricvixen @SullivanShadow ((I'm going to bed too. Don't get me thrown in juvie!))