phasing_cat | From Twitter 04-08-2010

@lifetimedreamer Peter! *huggles*
@lifetimedreamer How are you?
@lifetimedreamer I'm not getting out of bed today.
RT @kaylamds: *bites* RT @darkelegance: holy shit, you guys. milo. ungh. http://twitpic.com/1e3gvx
Going @'s only this afternoon, because mun's hella busy.
@CoEdClaire *stares at her phone for a minute* :txt: Yeah?
@CoEdClaire *reminds herself to keep breathing* :txt: Want to come over? I'm at home. Alone.
@CoEdClaire :txt: Maybe not. But there are no good ideas where you're involved any more.
Guess I'll be getting out of bed today after all. I dress and try to cover up the bags under my eyes with makeup before @coedclaire arrives
@CoEdClaire Thank god everyone's out, they don't even know what happened between her and I. The beginning or the end.
@CoEdClaire I struggle to keep my hands from shaking as I answer the door and let her in. "Hey."
@CoEdClaire I sit down in one of the dining room chairs, tucking my hands under my legs. "She did? What was it?" My mind is scrambling to -
@CoEdClaire figure out what it might be. I've been with Kelsie so much lately, it could be anything.
#nowplaying The Bravery - Tragedy Bound
@CoEdClaire My heart stops, and I can't breathe. Anything but that. Damn her. "That... those were trash. You werent' supposed to see it!"
@CoEdClaire It would be easier if she asked me to cut out my own heart and hand it to her on a plate. "Why? Would it change anything if I -
@CoEdClaire did?" Please say yes, please say yes. Because I meant every word.
@CoEdClaire "Then why do you want to know?" I don't understand why she's here, to drive the knife in a little deeper? "Why do you care?"
@CoEdClaire My anger starts to bubble up inside me. "You don't have to keep pretending, you know. It's over, I know that. I'm not your -
@CoEdClaire responsibility, your -problem-, any more."
@CoEdClaire "Then why? Why say you love me when you love her more? When in the end you're going to choose her over me?!" I'm out of the -
@CoEdClaire chair and pacing now, my hands clenched in fists.
@CoEdClaire I blink back tears. "Stop what, the truth? You promised to love me, you were supposed to be someone I could count on to take -
@CoEdClaire care of me! I trusted you!" I'm not even sure I see her any more, not really. All I see is red.
@CoEdClaire I shake my head. "No.. I know that." Do I? This feels the same. "You came here, you need to listen. You shouldn't get -
@CoEdClaire make me think you love me, then throw me away like yesterday's garbage, and not deal with the consquences!"
RT @lifetimedreamer: RT @dref22 interwebs report: 1-LJ is being a douchebag 2-Youtube still looks ugly 3- Tumblr is sometimes slow 4-Twi ...
@CoEdClaire Yes, she is here, and I can finally say everything that's been bouncing around in my mind since she left me. "Did you even -
@CoEdClaire think about what would happen to me? I was just a kid! I mean, I..." Oh god, my vision blurs and I see her face and my -
@CoEdClaire father's as if they're interchangeable. My legs feel week and I lean against the wall for support, sliding down to the ground.
#nowplaying Sonya Kitchell - For Every Drop
Did you ever care?/Did you ever ask?/Did you ever think perhaps I'm not first or last?
@CoEdClaire God, I'd give anything to hold her right now. Instead I wrap my arms around my legs, pulling my knees to my chest. "That -
@CoEdClaire doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm still alone, I'm still the one who was less. The one not chosen, the one not wanted."
#nowplaying Priscilla Ahn - Opportunity to Cry
@CoEdClaire "You'll never understand. Because you had the perfect family, your parents would never have done to you what mine did to me. -
@CoEdClaire You'll never know what it's like to hear their voices in your head telling you you deserve to be alone, you deserve to suffer."
#nowplaying Jason Mraz - Love for a child. No, seriously.
@CoEdClaire "Well don't you just have all the answers." I still can't bring myself to stand. "Then answer this - why did you supposedly -
@CoEdClaire fall in love with me in the first place? And why was it so easy to give me away?"
@CoEdClaire I nod, back to the part that cuts the deepest. Cuts into old scars I though were healed. "Because you love him more."
((Yes, the drama llama is on a rampage. DEAL WITH IT))
@kittenspawn ((Seriously, with you gone, my LJ inbox will be a lonely, lonely place))
@CoEdClaire "What other way is there, Claire?" Damn, the tears I've been fighting finally escape, coursing hot down my cheeks.
@kittenspawn ((So I'll go from 85 tags a day down to, like, 3. i can see the tumbelweeds already))
@CoEdClaire "That's a lie. It's better for -him-. I know you miss me, Kelsie told me. We're suffering - and he's happy. He has everything,-
@CoEdClaire and I have nothing." That brings me to my feet. The anger, the hatred, it's safe and familiar.
@kittenspawn ((LOL. Okay, so I may exaggerate a leeeeetle))
RT @nbcstore: RT this B4 8pm est today to enter to win all three @Syfy tees http://twitpic.com/1dww5z
@CoEdClaire I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I exhale and grab onto the back of the chair. That was my biggest fear, that he, I -
@CoEdClaire mean, she, didn't regret the decision. She's happy with her choice. "I can't. I can't go back. When I look at you now, I see -
@CoEdClaire him." Whether it's my father or Adam, the effect is the same. I want her to hold me - but I can't even look at her.
((I'm outta here! BB in about an hour))
@CoEdClaire "it is you, it's both of you. God Claire." I can't hold back any longer. I move to her, take her face in my hands and kiss her-
@CoEdClaire desperately.
@CoEdClaire I wrap my arms around her, pressing my wet cheek to hers. "Being with you made me feel whole when I didn't even realize I was -
@CoEdClaire broken. Now broken is all I have, it's all I am. I'm afraid i'll always be this way."
@CoEdClaire I shouldn't do this, but I need it. I need her. "I hope so." Against my better judgment I kiss her again. Her touch used to -
@CoEdClaire make me feel wanted, needed.
@CoEdClaire I step back, knowing she's right, but my hands stay on her shoulders no matter how hard I try to let go. "I'm sorry. I..."
@CoEdClaire My voice is soft. "It would never have worked between us, would it? Because you'll never understand why I can't let go."
@CoEdClaire No matter how much I try, I can't make her understand. I just nod and force myself to step further away, taking my seat in -
@CoEdClaire the chair again. "I love you. I know I always will." And there's the truest source of the pain. Because I know I will - just-
@CoEdClaire like I still love my father deep down. What's happened with her has made me realize it. "But I'll learn to live without you."
@CoEdClaire "I should be mad at Kelsie... but I'm not. This is hard, and it hurts... but I needed it." My eyes are open now, fully open, -
@CoEdClaire to more than I could have ever imagined.
@CoEdClaire I get up to let her out. I catch a whiff of her shampoo as I open the door and nearly reach for her again. "Goodbye, Claire."
@TheWatchmaker I didn't know you were a redneck...
@Its_A_Gas_Mask ROFL!!! Look at Jermaine Jenas!!
@Its_A_Gas_Mask I want that bookkkkk
@TheWatchmaker I use the term "redneck" affectionately, as mun is one too :-)
@Its_A_Gas_Mask ROFL, I could stare at this for hours
@GrayInside (I grew up in NC. It never leaves you.)
@TheWatchmaker (It doesn't hurt that there's some in the supernatural soundtracks, does it?)
@Its_A_Gas_Mask Roberto Martinez looks like a blow up doll
@TheWatchmaker I need to start downloading seasons 3 and 4
@ebrown2112 Hi.
@ebrown2112 I had a very enlightening talk with Claire. It nearly killed me... but it was important
@ebrown2112 I see now, in the long run, we wouldn't have lasted
@ebrown2112 She doesn't get it... she'll never understand how much what my parents did changed me. I don't think I really understood until-
@ebrown2112 today.
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: Why the hell did you show the letter I wrote to Claire?
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: She told me. I saw her.
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: Basically, it sucked. But... I'll be okay.
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: She's not really my problem. She just opened old wounds.
@ebrown2112 I realize now, when I feel for her, I was setting myself up. Repeating a pattern. I have some old demons I need to deal with.
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: I think I need help. Professional help.
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: I didn't think I needed it.
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: What happened with her. Today.
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: Let me think about it?
@ebrown2112 Maybe subconsciously I was drawn to her because part of me recognized the similarities to my parents.
@ebrown2112 The situation, I mean.
@ebrown2112 I think I've been fooling myself for a long time. I thought I was over what happened... even with the nightmares.
@Kelsie_Conekin :txt: Thanks, Kels. You're a good friend.
@ebrown2112 Maybe... but that shouldn't happen.
@ebrown2112 The memories, yes. But the emotions behind them making your decisions for you without you realizing it?
@ebrown2112 I don't want this to happen again. The girls are right, this is what happens with dating. I can't go through this every time.
@Kelsie_Conekin (I seriously need you to write mine for me)
@ebrown2112 Not my attraction to her, no. But I knew she was with someone, and something inside me chose to ignore it.
Since LJ's being a traitorous whore again, I'm going to bed. Not to mention I'm tired.